Kingdom Farts: Directors Cut
by Angellina Tsaint
Summary: I know you've been patient. I know the last chapter was in July. But did YOU know that Trite (Triton) was Australian? I think not!
1. One: He just HAD to choose the dead rat

Disclaimer, A/N: I found all of the chapters except Reunion (I think), and I'm just putting them into proper format and such so they don't break a single rule! And, this will have extra footage!   
So, my favorite story, soon to be your favorite story (if it isnÕt already) - KINGDOM FARTS: DIRECTORS CUT!  
  
  
Sora (our hero) is falling through... something. Don't ask me what, 'cause I don't know. I'M ONLY THE NARRATOR, MAN! I DON'T FREAKING KNOW!  
  
//Dude, just shut up and let the kid start.//  
  
Yeah...  
  
"I've been having these weird thoughts lately..."  
  
"Was Kairi telling the truth when she said she didn't fart?"  
  
He continues to fall, and turns round (while he's still falling). He falls some more, then BAM! He's on a perfect island! Covering his nose with his hand (that thingÕs just GOTTA be broken), he looked out to sea, seeing his friend Riku.  
  
A fast version of "Simple and Clean" began to play.  
  
Out in the ocean, Riku started doing the funky chicken.  
  
"Riku! Let me party too!" Sora called, running out, only for them to be hit by a huge wave.  
  
He suddenly steps out of water.  
  
A girl with red hair was yelling at him from the beach, "Why the hell aren't you wet?!" Good question.  
  
Sora walked over to her, and they saw someone falling from the sky.  
  
The girl gasped. "I thought we killed your evil twin!"  
  
Next second, it's Sora falling, and he falls onto a weird black thing. White birds fly up, and one poops on his head.  
  
"Oh, yuck!" Sora wiped it off and threw it at the retreating bird, which promptly pooped on him again.  
  
//So much to do, so little time.// A strange, unaccented, unbodied, unanythinged voice came out of nowhere.  
  
"What the hell?" Sora poked the words, and started giggling madly.   
  
//STOP THAT!// The great "Words" seemed angry.  
  
"Hah! Words! What a perfect name! I dub thee Words!" Sora giggled, and poked Words one more time.  
  
//Damnit, just freaking listen to me! I have important things to say!/  
  
"Ok..."  
  
//Good! Now, where was I... Take your time. Don't be afraid.//  
  
"A urinal?" Sora wondered out loud, "You want me to pee?"  
  
//NO, GODDAMNIT!//  
  
"But-!"  
  
//SHUT THE HELL UP!//  
  
The poor brunette cowered, his eyes wide. Did the pretty white Words not like him?  
  
//Ahem. The door is still shut.// Words seemed to have gained formality again.  
  
"What door?" Sora asked, scratching his head.  
  
An infuriated sighing sound was heard. //Nevermind! Now, step forward. Can you do it?//  
  
Sora grinned from ear to ear. "Of course!" He tried to step forward, but just tripped over those colossal shoes of his. "Ow..."  
  
//Dumbass. Get up. Now.//  
  
The boy got up, and walked across half the thing he was on. I don't exactly know what that is, either.  
  
Three pedestals appear... I have no idea where they came from. Probably Words. He/she/it has great power.  
  
//Power sleeps within you. If you give it form... It will give you strength. Choose well.//  
  
Sora looks around and sees a dead rat, an M&M, and a Masamune.  
He hurried over to the Dead Rat. "Awesome..."   
  
//The power to be... dead. And smelly. Supreme hideousness. Is this the power you seek?//  
  
A Yes/No thing hovers. Sora nods, and it disappears.  
  
//Your path is set. Now, what will you give you in exchange?//  
  
The brunette pointed to the Masamune.  
  
//The power to be invincible. Sheer domination. A sword to rule. You give up this power?//  
  
A Yes/No thing hovers. Sora nods, and it disappears.  
  
//You have chosen the path of a smelly dead guy. You've given up the path of being an invincible bishounen. Is this the form you choose?//  
  
"Yep!"  
  
//YOU STUPID FREAKING DUMBASS!// If Words was angry before, he/she/it was boiling now.  
  
Poor Sora burst into tears, kicked Words, and ran over to the corner.  
  
Unfortunately, there IS NO CORNER, so he runs around in circles.  
  
Whatever the hell he was standing on breaks, and he falls, yet again.  
  
"AHHH! I GOT GLASS IN MY EYE!" He yelled while falling.  
  
He lands on another stained glass princess. Why don't they break? Reinforced glass?  
  
The dead rat appears in his hand.  
  
//You've gained the power to fight.//  
  
Sora swings the dead rat around like a nun chuck, then striking a cool pose.  
  
//All right! You've got it.//  
  
"Wheee!" Sora clapped, did an irish jig, and smiled immensely.  
  
//Yada, yada, there will be times when you have to fight, there's one behind you, blah blah...// Poor Words. You really gotta pity him/her/it, he/she/it has a LOT of patience.  
  
Anyway, little buggy things pop up and Sora uses Matrix style moves.  
  
The window he's on turns black, and he... sinks? What happened to the falling?  
  
He finds a door, and a treasure chest opens behind him. He opens it, and he breaks the block to get one potion. He breaks the barrel, and opens the door.  
  
"Is THIS the door?" Stupidity never ceases to amaze me.  
  
//Yes! You've finished Kingdom Farts!// And Words didn't have as much patience as I thought.  
  
"Alright!" Sora did a wee victory dance, then the tiny trickle of logic in his brain hit him. "Wait... YOU DAMN LIAR!"  
  
//I just wanted to get rid of you. Nothing personal, no offence.//  
  
"None taken, man!" Sora said, going through the door.  
  
//Hold on. The door won't open just yet.//  
  
"Annnd why not?" He didn't understand, poor thing.  
  
//Because I say so, that's why.//  
  
"OH! Well, that's okay then."   
  
//...//  
  
A very uncomfortable silence filled the room.  
  
"I think it's your line." Sora said, breaking the silence, and scratching   
  
//I know.// Words sounded... well, he/she/it didn't really have a voice... quite confusing.  
  
Sora thought for a moment. "Say it, then!"  
  
//Uh...//  
  
"Did you forget it?" Sora asked.  
  
//Just talk to those annoying kids, ok?//  
  
Sora suddenly saw he was on Destiny Islands with three of his "friends" - Wakka, Selphie, and Tee-dus (annoying name...). He decided to talk to Selphie. Biiig mistake.  
  
"I'm a time mage!" She giggled, hyper as hell.  
  
"Riiiggghhhhtttt...." Sora sighed. That girl was just... meh.  
  
"Look!" Selphie insisted, and sent Sora into the future.  
  
After looking around the strange arena he had been sent to, he saw the scariest man alive standing right in front of him. "AHHHH! IT'S LANCE BASS!!!!"  
  
The silver haired man sighed. "Not another moron... I'M SEPHIROTH!"  
  
Sora, still freaked out. Where am I?! SELPHIE, STOP IT!"  
  
Meanwhile, where Selphie, Tdus and Wakka are... watching Sephiroth kick the shiznit out of a level one Sora on TV.  
  
//Selphie, get him back.//  
  
"Why?" She asked.  
  
//Because I said so, ok?//  
  
Selphie waved her arms around and Sora reappeared, bruised, bleeding, and broken.  
  
"Owwwwwww..." He moaned.  
  
"He, he..." Selphie giggled, "Sorry 'bout that! Anyway, please fill out this questionnaire, so your next visit to Wal-Mart will be more enjoyable."  
  
"Really?!"   
  
She shook her head. "No, not really."  
  
"Oh..." But he filled it out anyway, and handed it to Wakka.  
  
//Hmm... your adventure starts at dawn. As long as the sun is shining, your journey should be a pleasant one. Actually, I personally hope it rains. Lots.//  
  
Sora clapped his hands together. "Cool! ... ... ... ... Wait..."  
  
Words quickly cut in. //The day you open the door is both far out and very near.//  
  
Everything goes white and Sora's standing on another stained glass princess. A bunch of buggy things pop up, and with a Justin Timberlake-style dance, they're dead. Hey, anything from N*Sync is evil, right?  
A save point appears, and so do lots of stained glass steps.  
  
"I knew I shouldn't have smoked that stuff Wakka gave me!" Sora yelled, and threw some... green stuff over the platform.  
  
He runs up the stairs (though almost falls off, the idiot), and onto yet another stained glass princess.  
  
//The closer you get to light, the greater your shadow becomes.//  
  
Sora's shadow starts getting bigger, bigger... "WHEEEEE!" Poke, poke.  
  
The shadow got even bigger.  
  
//But don't be afraid.//  
  
"Easy for you to say!"  
  
//And don't forget...// Words abruptly stopped, and left.  
  
"WORDS, COME BACK!"  
  
The shadow turned into a Darkside.  
  
Of course, Sora merely hits it a few times with the dead rat and it's gone. Kids, don't try that at home.  
  
The dead rat disappears, and he falls into a portal. Everything goes black.  
  
Words reappeared, shaking. //----But don't be afraid.//  
  
//You hold the worst possible weapon of all.//  
  
//But just don't forget://  
  
He/she/it stopped shaking, and their words seemed to be brighter than ever before. //You are the one who will open the door.//  
  
  
  
A/N: Straight from the original! I painstakingly made sure it didn't break any guidelines, so... my fingers are crossed. 


	2. Two: Kairi and her POWERS

A/N: Before I begin, I'd like to give a big thank you to digi Chris, who emailed me recently about KF (I very rarely check my email some days), and, basically, he said I should repost KF regardless of FF.net, so... Thank you!  
  
  
There's a bright sun in the sky, and birds are doing... something. I don't particularly want to know what.  
  
Anyway, our hero yawns, leans back, and sees... THE EVIL MARY SUE, SPAWN OF SATAN! Or, in other words, Kairi.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Kairi laughed, looking down on her poor victim.  
  
"Gimme a break, Kairi." He said, shaking his head.  
  
"Sora, you lazy bum. I knew that I'd find you snoozing down here... hey, what's this?" She pointed to a magazine Sora was sitting on.  
  
Sora pulled it out and his jaw dropped.  
  
Kairi's did, too. "It has Riku's name on it!"  
  
They both stared at the Playboy.  
  
"Enough of that..." Kairi muttered, hoping to change the subject.  
  
"Yes." Sora nodded, and threw it away. "Anyway, this huge black thing swallowed me up! I couldn't breathe, I couldn't---"  
  
"Sora, do your parents know about this?" She asked.  
  
"What?"  
  
She laughed. "You need help, my friend!"  
  
Sora screwed his face up. "No I don't! What was that place? So bizarre..."  
  
"Yeah, sure. Tell it to the shrink!"  
  
Sora, who tried to not look hurt, changed the subject again. "Say, Kairi, what was your hometown like?"  
  
"I've told you before, dumbass, I don't remember!"  
  
"But wouldn't you like to go see it?" Sora asked.  
  
"Why? I'm happy here. But... I guess so." Kairi shrugged.  
  
"I'd like to see it too! Along with any other worlds out there. I wanna see 'em all!" Guess who had too many cokes today?  
  
"Sora, I said I gu-"  
  
Riku (an older boy with pretty light blue hair) walked up on them. "Hey, aren't you guys forgetting about me? So, I guess I'm the only one working on the raft."  
  
Riku walked forward, threw the log he carried at Sora, who... failed to catch it.  
  
As usual when people don't catch things, he got knocked out. And damn, that looks painful!  
  
"Whoops!" Riku said sheepishly, then turned to Kairi. "You're as lazy as he is!"  
  
"Argh! No I'm not!" She yelled and started beating him with the log.   
  
"OW! OW! STOP IT!" This, my friends, is why we don't mess with Kairi. She has POWERS.  
  
A wee bit later, when the two boys are conscious...  
  
"I'll race you!" Kairi yelled into their ears.  
  
Sora abruptly passed out again and Riku attempted to kick her. "Are you KIDDING?!"  
  
Sora slightly woke up. "Wha?"  
  
"C'mon!" Riku yelled and took off, with Sora VERY close behind, and Kairi REEEEALLLY far behind.  
  
Anyway, Sora then talks to Kairi.  
  
"So, you can get everything... are you even LISTENING TO ME?!" She screamed at him.  
  
"Uh... is that a trick question?"  
  
Anyway, to keep the rating, let's just skip forward a bit...  
  
"So, if you did manage to get to a new world, what would you do there?" Kairi asked that evening, as they sat by the paopu tree.  
  
Riku shrugged. "Turn evil, try to kill Sora, lose my heart to darkness... You know, the usual."  
  
The other two nodded, understanding.  
  
  
A/N: More shall come soon... 


	3. Three: Telephone companies ARE evil!

A/N: I must apologise for this chapter (even though I know you've seen most of it before). If any of you have gone through the Hades Cup with just Sora at 3 in the morning, and on an extremely high sugar/caffeine dose, you'll know what state of mind I'm in right now.   
  
  
Donald Duck walked through the halls of the castle (I don't know about that either), as brooms went past.  
He walked through a door and into the King's throne room.  
  
"Good morning your majesty, it's nice to see you- WHAT!?!"  
  
The King wasn't there. But Pluto was.  
  
He crossed his arms (THE DUCK HAS ARMS?!). "Pluto, did you eat the King again?!"  
  
Pluto gave him a letter.  
  
Donald read it, gasped, and ran off.  
  
In the courtyard...  
  
"Goofy, we've got a problem!"  
  
His comrade merely snored.  
  
"GOOFY, GET YOUR **** **** OF THE **** GROUND NOW!" Donald had less patience than Words (and that's really saying something).  
  
Goofy continued to snore.  
  
Donald cast Fire on Goofy.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Goofy flew about six feet into the air, then fell on Donald, who promptly pushed him off.  
  
"Goofy, we've got a problem! It's top secret!"  
  
Goofy scratched his head. "Queen Minnie? Daisy?"  
  
Donald shook his head. "No, this isn't about when we spied on them in the showers! This is-"  
  
"G'morning, ladies!" Goofy said, waving.  
  
Donald turned around to see Daisy and Queen Minnie. "Oh, ****."  
  
Back on Destiny Islands...  
  
Sora jumped up to the dock, but missed and fell in the water. "Not again! Mom's gonna kill me! Wait... Aha!" He jumped up and ran to the shore. "My clothes don't get wet!"  
  
So Sora ran off to see Kairi.  
  
"Do you know where Riku is?" She asked.  
  
Sora nodded. "Yeah, he's over at-"  
  
"Let me rephrase that." Kairi sighed, "YOU go find him, I'll follow."  
  
"Yes, ma'am..." And off he went to where he saw Riku.  
  
Riku was... 'busy' when Sora found him. "Whaaat?" He growled, hiding a play... girl?! These people need help.  
  
"Uh... About the raft..." The younger boy stammered.  
  
"Let's call it "Playboy of the month"." Riku grinned.  
  
Sora shrugged. "What's wrong with Excalibur?"  
  
"Let's..." Riku began, and Kairi (HISSS) walked up on them.  
  
"Are you two at it again? Ok, on my count! 3, 2-"  
  
Sora screamed in fury. "HEY!"  
  
Riku had taken off, but Sora was now close behind him, until he fell off the unstable peice of bridge ("DAMNIT!"). Luckily, however, Sora had already ridden the flying fox before the race, so he had a head start, running and running...   
Until something slammed into his back. That "something" was Riku, who then got off the probably paralyzed Sora and finished the race.  
  
"I can't feel anything! RIKUUUU! KAIRIIIIII! HELP MEEEEE!"  
  
Kairi was busy filing her nails and Riku was... looking at secret shower pictures of someone.   
  
"THAT'S not in the script!" He growled.  
  
//So?//  
  
"Hey! You're back!"  
  
//Yep.//  
  
Sora waited. "Damn, I wanted to poke Words again..." He got up. "Hey, I'm not paralyzed anymore! WHEEEE!" He then ran into a coconut tree, and... fell.  
  
Leon appeared out of nowhere. "Sora, you must use the Deadratbl-"  
  
"AHHH! I'M SEEING THINGS AGAIN!" Sora screamed, and attacked imaginary Leon with his wooden sword.  
  
Imaginary Leon disappeared.  
  
So, after Sora helped Kairi paint her nails BRIGHT neon purple ("My EYES! They BURN!" ), and had pried Riku away from the photos ("HEY, THESE LOOK LIKE ME!), he asked if there was anything he needed to do.  
  
Kairi thought for a moment. "Well, we need food- Sora?"  
  
At the mention of 'food', the brown haired boy had taken off... even though he didn't know what he was supposed to get.  
  
"Coconuts... fish... drinking water... mushrooms... seagull egg!" He decided, and went off to get it all...  
  
"GIVE ME YELLOW COCONUTS!" He yelled to the coconut trees.  
  
"TIDUS, LEAVE THE FISHIES ALONE!" He yelled to Tidus.  
  
"YUMMY FRESH SPRING WATER! Best by date tomorrow!" He yelled to no one in particular.  
  
"THAT'S MEH EGG NOW, STUPID SEAGULL! ... Oh, sorry Selphie!"   
  
After being zapped to fighting a weird dragon (and being killed, oddly enough), he was about to return to Kairi when- "Oh no! The mushrooms!"  
  
As if it were a matter of life and death (which it was), he went to find the mushrooms. He had almost got them all when...  
  
"I've come to see the door to this world."  
  
"Eh?!" Sora jumped up from collecting (aka. eating) a mushroom when someone behind him spoke, causing his already damaged head to bump on a rock.  
  
"This world has been connected." The robed person said.  
  
"Oh! You're from one of those telephone companies, aren't you! Look, how many times do we have to tell you, WE'RE NOT INTERESTED IN RINGING 'A GRABBER' OR SOME OTHER WEIRDO PLACE FOR 20 MUNNI A DAY!"  
  
The person decided to ignore that comment (but who wouldn't?). "Tied to the darkness... soon to be completely eclipsed."  
  
"I KNEW IT! Telephone companies ARE evil!"  
  
The person didn't move, or show any sign of anger. "You do not yet know what lies beyond the door."  
  
Sora frowned. "No shit sherlock! There's no ****ing handle!"  
  
"There is very much to learn. You understand so little."  
  
"Unn-dar-stan-dd..." Sora sounded the long word out slowly and carefully.  
  
"A meaningless effort. One who knows nothing can understand nothing."  
  
"I know something! Two plus two makes four hundred and twenty seven point nine!" The boy pouted. He briefly looked towards the door, which he had once carved "SORA WUZ HERE" onto. When he looked back, the weird person was gone.  
  
"... Oh well. I'd better be going back." And off he went.  
  
"Hi, Sora!" Kairi called, while making a necklace of thalassa shells. He gave her the stuff, and she gave him a Hi-Potion (what a ripoff!).   
  
"Kairi, I'm allergic to seagull eggs!" He growled, and stormed off.  
  
"Sora?" She asked, just as he almost left hearing range.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"No you're not."  
  
He stood there for a second. "Yeah, I know."  
  
A few hours later, when Riku had gone off to play Tekken back on the unseen home island, Sora and Kairi sat on the dock, watching the sun go down.  
  
"You know, Riku has changed." Kairi said, looking skywards.  
  
Sora gave her a sideways glance. "But we went through pu-"  
  
The girl sighed. "That's not what I meant! He stares out at the sea all the time!  
  
"Oh, he's only looking for his Playboy Special Christmas Edition."  
  
She shrugged. "Well... Don't ever change, Sora."  
  
"I can change if I want to!" He declared, jumped in his boat, and rowed back to the unseen home island.  
  
Kairi groaned, shaking her head. "I live on an island full of idiots..." She then looked around. "TIDUS, LEAVE THE DAMNED FISH ALONE!"  
  
  
A/N: Yawnnnn... Sleep, I need. 


	4. Four: Thus did his adventure begin

A/N: Be in for a surprise...  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own ANYTHING. I don't own KH, I don't own Prince, I don't own... anything else, and if there's anything I missed, I don't own that either.  
  
  
Back at the palace...  
  
//Donald,  
I regret to inform you that I had to blow you all off because these stars have been disappearing recently. I believe it may only be that stuff Pluto made me smoke, but I'm not taking any chances.  
There's a "rat" somewhere... We need that rat. And no, I've already checked all the ones in the castle. Go to Traverse Town to find Leon. But don't tell him who sent you (I owe him some money).  
P.S.: Take the blame from Minnie for me, 'kay?// Prince's (The artist formerly known as dude) symbol was at the bottom.  
  
"What could this mean?" Daisy asled.  
  
Minnie, who strangling Donald, shrugged. "It means we'll just have to... DIE, BITCH!" She thwapped Donald over the head "... Trust the king."  
  
Daisy nodded. "And he's going with you."  
  
"Who?" Goofy asked, eating his nose.  
  
"That cockroach you just stepped on."  
  
Goofy looked at the underside of his shoe. "Gah hyuck!"  
  
The cockroach fell off and died (YAY!).  
  
Anyway, more stuff happens (I don't find those people very interesting), and they go off to Traverse Town. Meanwhile, it's night at Destiny Islands...  
  
Sora jumped out of bed in a flash. "A STORM! ... ... ... ... OH, ****! THE RAFT!" He randomly jumped out the window, and... fell.' "I CAN'T FEEL MY SPLEEN!" He slid off the rock he had landed on.  
  
Anyway, he made it off the unseen island and on to the one with the raft.  
  
"Their boats!" He wondered aloud.  
  
Anyway, Sora runs around, and finds Kairi.  
  
//DAMNIT, you're meant to find Riku first!// Words had appeared out of nowhere (like he/she/it always did).  
  
Sora pouted. "AIEEE! I wanna find Kairi!"  
  
Kairi looked at him. "Sora..." And she disappeared.  
  
//NOW look what you did! ... Go, find Riku, then!//  
  
"YAY!" And off the boy went...  
  
Riku stood on the wee raised bit of the island. "The door has opened, Sora!"  
  
Sora scratched his head. "But I thought I was meant to be the one to open the door!"  
  
//Different door!//  
  
"AHHHH! There's too many doors!" The brunette screamed.  
  
"I'm not afraid of the darkness!" Riku said.  
  
"If you're talking about that time I wet my pants 'cause you turned off all the lights... That was AGES ago!"  
  
Riku raised an eyebrow. "It was last week!"  
  
"Well, still..." Sora blushed.  
  
//Just get this damned conversation over with!//  
  
Riku grinned (evilly). "There's something I have to do first..."   
  
And he pounced on Sora, who screamed in surprise of the sudden attack.  
  
...  
  
//Okay, just get up, damnit. We have a schedule, y'know!//   
  
Riku and Sora got up, their clothing torn.  
  
//Now SURRENDER TO THE DARKNESS, and get this thing over with!//  
  
Darkness stuff came up and swallowed Riku and Sora. Sora appeared again, but held a dead rat shaped like a normal key.  
  
//Deadratblade... Deadratblade...//  
  
"Alrighty then..." He shrugged, and ran around, killing the shadows.   
  
Darkside appeared again.  
  
"I thought I killed you!"  
  
"|\|0 \/\/4'/, |)00|)!" [For those of you who can't translate l33t: No way, dude!]  
  
"Yes way!"  
  
"|\||_||-|-|_||-|!" [Nuh-uh!]  
  
Sora sighed. "Do I have to fight you AGAIN?!"  
  
"|)00|), | \/\/4|\|7 j00|2 |)34|)|247814|)3!" [Dude, I want your Deadratblade!]  
  
"You can have it!" He insisted.  
  
//No, dumbass! Fight him and we can get this scene over with!//  
  
Sora attacked Darkside a few times, when the mega weird swirly thing in the sky started sucking them up.  
  
"0|-| 5|-||7...!" [Oh shit...!] Darkside yelled, and was swallowed.  
  
Sora tried to grab something, but he, too, was sucked into the vaccum cleaner in the sky...  
  
Thus did his adventure begin.  
  
  
A/N: A big thanks to all of you! 


	5. Five: Aerith can get angry quickly!

A/N: I don't own anything... And I'm sorry this took so long to write. School's a bitch.  
Anyway, Sora gets sucked into weirdo thingy, ends up in Traverse Town...  
  
And gets licked by Pluto.  
  
"EEEEWWWW!" He kicked Pluto to the end of the game. Ouch.  
  
Sora walked around a bit and met Cid, then after a while of kicking furry thingy ass, he met Leon.  
  
"They're after the Deadratblade, ya know..." He began, and made a face. "I mean, you know."  
  
"I, uh, know...?" Sora didn't quite know what to say.  
  
"Gimme."  
  
"Whaaaat?"  
  
"Gimme the Deadratblade." Leon ordered.  
  
"Oh, sure!"  
  
"Idiot! You're meant to fight me!"  
  
"But look at the SIZE of that thing!" (he meant the gunblade) "I'm doomed!"  
  
"Yep."  
  
Sora fought Leon, and got the almighty shiznit beaten out of him.  
  
He then abruptly fainted.  
  
"I think you're getting soft, Leon!" A female voice said.  
  
Leon turned, his eyes wide. "Yuffie... That doesn't sound right."  
  
Sora woke up somewhere...  
  
//Are you ok? You took quite a beating back there.//  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine..." Sora groaned, rubbing his head. "I'm so glad you're ok, Words!"  
  
"Words? I'm the great ninja Yuffie!"  
  
He gasped, and looked at Yuffie. "AHHHHH! NEKKID LADY!"  
  
"Yuffie, put some clothes on." Leon ordered from his place by the door.  
  
Sora gasped (again). "You're the dude who kicked the bejesus outta me!"  
  
"I'm Leon. I took your Deadratblade."  
  
"Oh! But, uh... why?"  
  
In the next room...  
  
"Okay, you know there are many other worlds out there besides   
your castle and this town, right?" An annoying lady named Aerith explained to Donald and Goofy in the next room.  
  
"Yeah." Donald nodded while Goofy gnawed on the bedpost. As his comrade was busy, he had to take the line. "But they're supposed to be a secret."  
  
"They've been secret because they've never been connected. Until now. When the Fartless came, everything changed."  
  
Back with our hero and the two others...  
  
"Wha? The Fartless?"  
  
"Those without farts. The darkness in people's farts-that's what   
attracts them. And there is darkness within every fart." Leon explained.  
  
"So you're basically saying..."  
  
Yuffie quickly cut in. "Hey, have you heard of someone named Ansem?"  
  
BACK to Donald, Goofy and Aerith...  
  
"Ay-en-saym?" Goofy asked, infuriating the lady.  
  
"NO! It's ANSEM! Not Ayensaym! Not Aniseed! ANSEM! Get it RIGHT, damnit!"  
  
After about a second of silence (minus Goofy sobbing), she continued, as if nothing had happened. "He was studying the Fartless. He recorded all of his findings in a very detailed report."  
  
"Gawrsh, can we see it?"  
  
"No! It's scattered over all the worlds!"  
  
"Scattered?" Donald asked.  
  
"GET A DAMNED DICTIONARY!"  
  
"Maybe the king went to find 'em..." Goofy mused while eating the lightshade.  
  
"My thoughts exactly."  
  
"But what about the key?" Donald asked.  
  
Back with the original three...  
  
"So, this is the Deadratblade?" Sora asked.  
  
"You've been told that about fifty times!" Yuffie gave a small scream.  
  
"Yuffie, I've told you a million times, do not exagguerate!" Leon then turned to Sora. "The Fartless have great fear of the Deadratblade. That's why they'll keep coming after you no matter what."  
  
"But that makes no sense!"  
  
"I know."  
  
A Fartless appeared.  
  
"Yuffie, get out!" Leon yelled, and she did so, flattening Donald against the wall (YAY!).  
  
The "boys" readied their weapons.  
  
"Come on!" Leon said, and jumped out the window.  
  
Sora followed. "AHHH!!! PAIN!!!" He was covered in cuts from the glass.  
  
Leon didn't care. "Don't worry about the small fry. Look for their leader." And off he went.  
  
Sora looked around at all the Fartless. "AIEEEEEEE!" Then they were... gone.   
  
//Didn't you hear what Leon said?//  
  
"WORDS! You ARE ok!"  
  
//Aw, did you miss me? Heh heh heh.//  
  
Sora, being the short witted adorable thing he is, poked Words.  
  
//STOP THAT YOU ANNOYING LITTLE CRETIN!//  
  
"Whaaaaaaaa! Sora ran to the Third District, where Donald and Goofy fell on him. A giant black french fry then randomly appeared.  
  
"So THAT'S the big fry!" Sora gasped for the third time.  
  
"Buahahahahaha! I shall steal your farts!" G.B.F.F. declared, but...  
  
Sora and Co. defeated Giant Black French Fry. Go figure.  
  
"You have the..." Donald paused. "Goofy, what are we looking for?"  
  
"The key!" His 'friend' declared while trying to eat his elbow.  
  
"You mean this?" Sora asked, holding up the Deadratblade.  
  
"Yes!" The duck said.  
  
Sora began to think.   
  
//This'll take awhile...//  
  
After about an hour and a half...  
  
"What the hell, I'll help you."  
  
Goofy did hamtaro dance in joy, while Donald smiled forcefully and edged as far away from the dog thing as possible. "Uh... I'm Donald, that's Goofy."  
  
"Sora."  
  
They all put their hands together (while Goofy was still doing the Hamtaro dance) and made a "BOOYAH!" sound. Is Booyah a sound? Hmm.  
  
"All for one, one for all!" A musketeer stepped out of nowhere, said the line, then disappeared again.  
  
Meanwhile, in dark place where I wouldn't want to have a party...  
  
"That little squirt took down that Fartless! Who'd have thought   
it?" A blue skinned and haired god murmured.  
  
A really annoying guy then piped up. "Such is the power of the Deadratblade. The child's strength is not his own."  
  
"Why don't we turn him into a Fartless? That'll settle things quick enough." A female voice (Ursula) said.  
  
"And the brat's friends are the king's lackeys. Swoggle me eyes, they're all bilge rats by the look of them."  
  
"Lackeys? Swoggle? Bilge rats? Hook, honey, you NEED a vacation!" Oogie Boogie laughed.  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Enough, you children!" Maleficent hissed, "The Deadratblade has chosen him. Will it be he who   
conquers the darkness? Or will the darkness swallow him? Either way, he could be quite useful..."  
  
"Y'know, Mallie, it almost sounds like you want him to get rid of the dark-"  
  
"Quiet, vizier."  
  
Back in the First District of Traverse Town...  
  
"Make sure you're prepared for the journey ahead of you. We don't know how far the Fartless have spread." Leon said to the trio.  
  
"Check out the shops here. They've got some pretty neat stuff!" Yuffie giggled while hiding a... toy. Yes, that's it. A toy...  
  
Aerith smiled. "This is from all of us." She gave them 100 munny.  
  
"Wha?" Sora gasped. "100 FREAKING MUNNY?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY FARTLESS WE HAD TO KILL TO GET 500, YOU STUPID-"  
  
"SHUT THE F*** UP!"  
  
The boy promptly started quivering at Leon's feet. "Here..." The man passed an elixir down to him.  
  
"Good luck!" Yuffie grinned while playing with her 'toy'.  
  
"I. Hope. You. Find. Your. Friends." Aerith needs therapy. And I don't mean that in a good way.  
  
"Look out for each other. Keep your spirits up."  
  
//Dude, don't even THINK about ripping me off.//  
  
"Yes sir/ma'am/it..."  
  
Sora talked to Donald and Goofy awhile later.  
  
"The gummi ship is outside that gate."  
  
"GUMMI? Food!" Sora squealed with joy.  
  
"No... That's our ship."  
  
"Wait 'til you see it!" Goofy was now gnawing on a defenceless dalamation he had found.  
  
"Hold on. Sora, this is for you." The poor duck frantically changed the subject before the RSPCA could appear.  
  
//Sora attained the power of fire.//  
  
"Now you can use magic, too! Goofy, give him that other thing."  
  
"What?" The dog thing looked up from the dog. (CANNIBAL!)  
  
"You know!"  
  
"Oh, yeah." Goofy held out a playboy to Sora.  
  
"NO!" Donald screamed, beating him with his staff. "Sora, he meant to give you this."  
  
//Sora learned Dodge Roll.//  
  
"What the hell? Words?"  
  
"Eh?"The other two said in confusion. Pity, they can't see Words.  
  
Jiminy (he ressurected himself) was standing on the pavement nearby. Damn. "Well, I see big adventures coming their way! Looks like it's up to me to keep track of it all in my journal!" Double damn.  
  
So, the three (and the annoying bug) set off, on their first adventure as a team...  
A/N: Heheheh... 


	6. Six: Sora in Weedland

A/N: Well, onwards...   
  
Disclaimer: Own anything I don't.  
Sora, Donald and Goofy go off on the Gummi Ship, to Weedland.  
  
Sora landed nicely.  
  
Donald landed nicely.  
  
Goofy ate his feet. "Gawrsh, these taste funny!"  
  
Donald turned to Sora. "I don't know him. Seriously, I don't."  
  
A Random Annoying Drugged Up Rabbit ran past.  
  
"I'm late! I'm late! Damn the Mad Hatter for giving me so much weed!"  
  
"Weed? I want some!" Sora exclaimed and followed him.   
  
In the Bizarre Room...  
  
Donald gasped. "How the **** did he get so small?!"  
  
"You're too big!" The doorknob said.  
  
"EVERYTHING'S big where I come from!" Sora winked.  
  
Doorknob rolled its eyes. "Just smoke that stuff in the red packet on the table to go small, ok? I need some sleep..." It began to snore.  
  
Sora, Donald and Goofy smoked the stuff in the red packet on the table and went small. Kids, don't try that at home.  
  
"DUUUUDE! This is some whacked out weed!" Yes, that was our young hero.  
  
They walked through to a courtyard, overgrown with weed.  
  
"Gawrsh, are we in heaven? LOOK AT ALL THIS WEED!"  
  
Donald and Sora stared at all the weed.  
  
//You idiots! The queen's going to kill Alice!//  
  
"Bugger Alice!' Sora's new friends yelled, running off.  
  
"Damn, looks like I have to face this on my own..." He squinted at the queen. "Is that Queen BRAHNE?!"  
  
//No one from FFIX is here, dumbass.//  
  
"But Kuja-"  
  
//Is an annoying transvestite. PLEASE, just go and TRY to save Alice, so we can get this world over and DONE WITH!//  
  
On came the trademark grin, "Alrighty then!"  
  
"I SENTENCE HER GUILTY!" The queen yelled.  
  
"What the hell?" Alice looked up from her joint.  
  
"She tried to steal my farts! Stick her in jail!"  
  
Sora turned to Donald and Goofy. "We have to help her!"  
  
Donald held a huge bag of weed. "Aw, we can't!"  
  
"That would be meddling!" Goofy nodded.  
  
Sora just stared.  
  
"Weed makes him smarter." The duck shrugged.   
  
"OFF WITH HER HEAD!"  
  
Donald finally looked away from the glare Sora was giving him. "What the hell, she's buggered if we don't help her..."  
  
The three ran up.  
  
Sora, as the only non-stoned one, decided to talk. "You can't kill her!"  
  
"Who the **** are you?!"  
  
"I'm S-"  
  
"I don't give a damn! What makes you think I can't kill the girl?"  
  
"Because it wasn't her who tried to steal your farts!"  
  
"Prove it, spikey butt! "  
  
"We will!" He dragged the stoned Goofy and Donald to Weed Forest.  
  
Suddenly a pink head appeared, and jumped around a bit.  
  
"I knew there was something wrong with this weed!" Sora declared.  
  
The pink head attached itself to a pink body.  
  
"Hi, I'm the Chesire Cat!"  
  
Donald shivered. "Ok, I promise, I'll never smoke weed again!" And cast Fire on his bag of weed.   
  
"Alice, you can help, proof, you will need."  
  
Goofy gasped in amazement. "Gawrsh, are you related to Yoda?"  
  
"That is so, yes. Proof, you will find, four, there are. Easy to find, the first three are, is tricky, the fourth is. A gift, you shall get, them all, if you find."  
  
Donald frowned. "Then bugger off so we can find them!"  
  
It disappeared.  
  
So, the three went off and found the four pieces, then went back to the queen.  
  
"Show me your proof!" The queen demanded.  
  
Their proof appeared in front of her.  
  
"Hrm, that's nice... GUARDS, SHOW MY PROOF!"  
  
One box of proof appeared.  
  
The queen sighed. "Open one, I can't be stuffed with the rest."  
  
Sora almost fell over. "WHAAAAAT!?"  
  
"Dare you defy me? OPEN ONE!"  
  
"Bugger..." He muttered, then looked around. "Ok, this one."  
  
A Fartless appeared.  
  
"What the **** was that?!" The queen said in amazement, "Actually, I don't care. I say Alice is guilty! "  
  
"Damn..."  
  
The thing Alice was in went up to the top of the Whack-a-mole pole... So Sora whacked some weirdo structure to death, and the thing Alice is in fell, but GASP! She wasn't there!  
  
The queen was PISSED. "****! Guards, where is she?!"  
  
"We don't know!" A random card replied.  
  
"Damn. Oi! You three, it's your fault she's gone, find her!" And she started to smoke some weed.   
  
"Oh well..."  
  
So Sora and Co. went off, met Chesire Cat again... Other stuff happened, and they eventually met Craig David.  
  
"Craig David?!" They gasped in unison.  
  
"The Slickmaster!"  
  
Goofy was shocked. "Gawrsh, my hero's a Fartless!"  
  
Donald merely sighed. "**** you, dude."   
  
One scorched Craig David.  
  
"That was TOO easy." Sora scratched his head.  
  
"Aw, bugger, you lot woke me up again! Damn you all!" That... door thing. It then yawned.  
  
"Ooooh, what's THAT?!" Sora saw a rat-shaped hole in its mouth.  
  
The Deadratblade suddenly roses up (while he was still holding it) and a brown smelly beam locks the hole.  
  
"Dude, you just locked a Rathole!" The duck congratulated.  
  
"Coooool..."  
  
Anyway, the three left on the Gummi Ship.  
  
MEANWHILE, in some random evil place...  
  
"BUGGER! He locked the Rathole!" An evil looking man you can't see too well said.  
  
The Evil Looking Lady shrugged. "It'll take him ages to find the rest." She looked down on a hologram of Sora and Co.  
  
Another dude you can't see too well laughed. "Blimey, they're all bilge rats by the look of 'em!"  
  
"Will it be he who conquers the darkness? Or-"  
  
One of the males interrupted her. "Aren't you supposed to be anti-that or something?"  
  
The woman glared at him. "Shut up, I'm not finished yet! As I was saying, Or will the darkness swallow him?"  
  
Yet another dude you can't see too well giggled. "That sounds wrong..."  
  
She ignored the comment. "Either way, he could be quite useful..."  
A/N: *yawn* So... tired... 


	7. Seven: Zeus likes peanuts

A/N: Wheee... If I can keep this up, we'll be back to Hollow Bastion before you know it!  
  
Disclaimer: Look through the previous chapters and I'm sure you'll find one you like.  
So they flew around and stuff, and WOW, they got to a Coliseum!  
  
Sora walked around, stood under a statue and looked up. "What's more disturbing, the fact that they're wearing a skirt or the fact there's nothing underneath?"  
  
//Good question.//  
  
"WORDS!" He hugged Words, "Wait... WHY DO YOU HAVE A CUPCAKE?"  
  
A bite disappeared from the cupcake. //Ah, why should I tell you, dumbass? Just go in, ok?//  
  
Sora pouted. "Fine..." He quickly poked Words and ran inside.  
  
//Damn that little brat!// The cupcake disappeared and a smell was... smelt. //I'd better get out of here before the Fartless come!//  
  
Sora talked to an annoying goat called Phil, and he did the barrel tests, and wins.  
  
Phil thought for a moment. "Well, even after that, I'm not letting you in, so bugger off and annoy someone else."  
  
So, the three were "buggered off".  
  
"I really wanted to be in the games!" Sora pouted.  
  
"You still can be." A voice said.  
  
Sora, wide eyed, looked up to see a guy with blue fire for hair. Riiiight.  
  
"Hey, look -" He showed Sora an entry ticket. "- have this."  
  
Sora squealed with joy. "Thanks!"  
  
Hades grinned. "Good luck, I'm rooting for you."  
  
"That sounds wrong..."  
  
ANYWAY, Hades left, Sora joined the games, and he kicked Fartless ass... STOP PRESS! CAMEO ALERT!!!  
  
A dude with chocobo ass hair walked past, and everyone stared at him.  
  
"He looks strong, you might get to fight him later." Phil nodded to Sora.  
  
Sora laughed. "He's just a pansy. I'll beat him, no sweat!"  
  
The man went off somewhere.  
  
Hades was at that somewhere. "You know that kid? He's your next opponent. Kill him."  
  
"My contract says-"  
  
"I KNOW WHAT YOUR CONTRACT SAYS! I wrote it MYSELF on MY OWN polka dot napkin! It says you only have to kill Herc, but you need to get rid of boots-too-big-for-him first!"  
  
The man looked back towards Sora. "He's not wearing boots."  
  
"Frankly Cloud, I don't give a damn. Like the goat says, rule #11, it's just a game, so let loose and have fun!"  
  
Cloud gave him an annoyed look. "The last time I let loose and had fun, I woke up with my hair shaved, "BAMBI" tattooed on my chest, and Vincent was sleeping next to me. I then had to grab his clothes and run for it, because it seemed I had rung up Midgar's most wanted and turned myself in."  
  
"Are you going to fight him or not?"  
  
"Fine.'  
  
So, Cloud fought Sora, and... gets his ass kicked.  
  
Hades appeared. "Sorry, but accidents happen..."  
  
Cerberus ran in.  
  
Hercules suddenly appeared in the stands. "Get outta here!"  
  
They got out of there.  
  
Phil paced, looking freaked. "Damn, damn... Hercules still has another year working for me, if he's gone, then I'm gonna be flat broke..."  
  
Sora looked to his comrades who nodded. "What the hell, we'll go out and save him."  
  
So Sora and Co. went out to the coliseum...  
  
"|-|01'/ ****!" [Holy ****!] Cerberus said.  
  
Sora looked up. "What is it, Cerberus? Trouble down by the river?"  
  
"83|-|||\||) j00!" [Behind you!]  
  
Sora turned around to see Hercules carrying Cloud.  
  
Sora gasped. "You're touching his butt!"  
  
Donald gasped.  
  
Goofy gnawed on his foot, then gasped.  
  
Phil gasped.  
  
Pegasus gasped.  
  
Zeus gasped.  
  
Pain gasped.  
  
Panic gasped.  
  
Titans gasped.  
  
Fartless gasped.  
  
Hades shrugged. "Meh, I always knew Herc was a pansy..."  
  
"Oooooo! A peanut!" Zeus said, picking up a random Fartless and eating it.  
  
When that happened, all involving Hercules and Cloud was forgotten.  
  
"Wait..." Sora sighed, "Sorry Cerberus, I have to beat you!" (Be warned, something I stole from the bible's coming up!)  
  
And Sora defeated Cerberus, and he saw that it was good. (It was worth warning you anyway)  
  
"Kid, you have to go now... We need to tidy up." Phil said.  
  
Sora fell over. "WHAAAAAT?! I haven't found the Ra- nevermind. I'll go now, ta-ta!"  
  
So... they left.  
A/N: *grin* Quick, ne? 


	8. Eight: Ain't no monkey business

A/N: Okay, big question for all.   
DOES ANYONE AT ALL, FOR ANY REASON, HAVE A COPY OF THE REUNION CHAPTER?   
I lost it...   
So it looks like I'll have to rewrite the whole thing. Ouchie.  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, any references... Nyah.   
  
Sora, Donald and Goofy were in the Gummi Ship above Deep Jungle.  
  
Donald looked down, annoyed. "Nah, why the **** would the king be here? We're leaving."  
  
"What if my friends are there?" Sora asked.  
  
"Does it LOOK like I give a damn?!"  
  
"We're going." The boy said.   
  
"No we are not!"  
  
"YES WE ARE, YOU ANNOYING LITTLE RETARDED DUCK!"  
  
"Ahhh, don't touch that!"  
  
Goofy, who was in the back of the ship gnawing on his seat, looked up. "Gawrsh, that sounds wrong..."  
  
The Gummi Ship moved around and landed on Deep Jungle.  
  
//Today, on the Animal Channel... Oh, no, not HIM!//  
  
An unconsious Sora was seen flying through the air and crashed down into the treehouse.  
  
//I ****ing swear, I don't get paid enough for this job.// Poor Words.   
  
Sora woke up, and looked around.  
  
"Hmm... Pretty barbaric."  
  
//I'm guessing there's no McDonalds around here then?// Sarcasm rocks...  
  
"Gee, you think?"   
  
Then Random Thing growled.  
  
Sora turned around. "Awwww, a wee kitty!" He reached out to pet Sabor.   
  
Sabor chewed on Sora's hand.  
  
"BAD KITTY!" Kicks Sabor across the room and began to kick the almighty shiznit out of it.  
  
A weird man wearing a leather kilt attempted to make a fancy jump down, but he slipped on a banana and fell flat on his face. Hah.  
  
"MOMMY!" He cried.  
  
Sabor ran away.  
  
"Are you ok?" Sora asked.  
  
The man patted his chest. "Tarzan!"  
  
Sora sighed. "Lovely. I'm looking for my friends, Do- no, stuff them, Riku and Kairi."  
  
"*&&X%."  
  
"What's *&&X%?"  
  
"*&&X%."  
  
Sora sighed angrily. "And I thought Donald was retarded... well, he is, but that doesn't count."  
  
"Tarzan, go." Tarzan said, patting his chest again.  
  
Sora patted his own chest. "Sora... pogo?"  
  
Tarzan ran off somewhere.  
  
"Damn..." Sora followed.  
  
And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the first wannabe mini-game!  
  
Sora was sliding down a giant tree with Tarzan, they jumped over branches and stuff, then they defied gravity and slide UP, and then they land in the camp.  
  
"My ass!" Sora hissed (as he had gotten a splinter). He then saw a slide thingy. "Hrm, I like these." He found the rest, then went inside campy thing.  
  
"Jane." Tarzan said.  
  
The woman turned around. "Tarzan! And... who is this?"  
  
"I'm So-"  
  
Jane sighed. "Oh, you're obviously not related to Tarzan then."  
  
"What the hell?! He's a 3/4 naked man with crappy dreadlocks in a jungle, and he's probably an orphan! HOW COULD I BE RELATED TO THAT -1 IQ IDIOT?!"  
  
Tarzan, unaware that he was just insulted, spoke. "*&&X%."  
  
"Well, are you here to study the gorillas?" Jane asked.  
  
Sora scratched his head. "What's a gorilla?"  
  
"Highly doubtful." A british man walked in, followed by Donald and Goofy. "Their minds are too simple for hunting gorillas!"  
  
Sora shrugged. "I don't know what a gorilla is, but if Tarzan's friends with them, they can all be hunted down!"  
  
The british man laughed. "I like this boy!"  
  
"Clayton, you will NOT hunt the gorillas!"  
  
He cried. "But I wanna!"  
  
Then... Jane gave him the EVIL WOMAN LOOK.  
  
They all stood there, paralyzed with fear while Clayton slipped out.  
  
"Tarzan said my friends were here." Sora meeped.  
  
//He didn't, actually.//  
  
"Words-kun/chan!" And, being the annoying **** he is, Sora poked Words.  
  
Words sighed. //I REALLY don't get paid enough...//  
  
"Well, there are some slides that can help Tarzan tell us the meaning of *&&X%." Jane explained.  
  
Sora put the slides in and they saw Disney Castle.  
  
Donald gasped.  
  
"Donald, what is it?"  
  
"I've... been there before!" The duck spluttered.  
  
Some more random slides showed up, and Tarzan said nothing.  
  
Jane sighed. "Nothing, I'm sorry."  
  
"That leaves just one place." Clayton said, returning. "Young man, we've been in this jungle for some time now. But we have yet to encounter these friends of yours. I'd wager they're with the gorillas. But Tarzan refuses to take us to them."  
  
//You know, he never actually SAID that they were here.//  
  
Silence.  
  
//No one listens to me...//  
  
"Really, Mr. Clayton, Tarzan wouldn't hide-"  
  
Clayton ignored her (go him) and talked to Tarzan. "Take me- I mean, us to the gorillas. GO-RIL-LAS."  
  
"*&&X%."  
  
Clayton scowled.  
  
"Tarzan... go see Kerchak."  
  
"Kerchak?" Jane asked.  
  
"He must be the leader." Clayton said, "Great for winter co- I mean, perfect. I'll go along as an escort. After all, the jungle is a dangerous place." He gave a very sleazy, mishevious smile. And I don't mean that in a good way.  
  
//Am I the only one to consider it strange that he has to go too, even though Tarzan knows this place?//  
  
...  
  
//Goddamnit... I'll be in Weedland.//  
  
They go (without Clayton) to viney place.  
  
Tarzan began speaking to a gorilla we can safely assume is Kerchak. "Kerchak, please listen to me. I know the nesting grounds are secret, but I trust them. You see, I want to help them because... because... well, they need us."  
  
Kerchak sighed. "And WHY do they need to go to OUR nesting grounds?"  
  
"Because Clayton said his friends were there."  
  
The gorilla swore at him and left.  
  
Goofy scratched his head and turned to Donald. "Gawrsh, did you get any of that?"  
  
"What the hell do I look like, an interpreter?"  
  
They went to the treehouse and only managed to stop Clayton shooting Terk.  
  
"Kerchak!" Tarzan called.  
  
"Bugger off!" The gorilla called back and left with Terk.  
  
Donald, however, was pissed. "WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?!"  
  
"Damn- I mean, a snake slithered by, you see. I saved that poor gorilla's life." Clayton grinned nervously.  
  
Needless to say, no one believed him. Not even the little moudly rock in the corner.  
  
They went back to camp.  
  
"HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?!"  
  
Clayton jumped back from the book-weilding homicidal Jane.  
  
"All because of one mishap? Come, now..."  
  
Everyone glared at him. Even Tarzan, who didn't exactly know why, but did so just because the others were doing it. Peer pressure is everywhere, kids.  
  
Clayton left the tent. "What am I doing with these imbeciles? Blasted gorillas! I'll hunt down every last one of them! I'll track them down somehow. I'll stake my life on it." Wrong move, sparky.  
  
He heard a noise.  
  
Inside the tent, they heard a gunshot.  
  
Sora and Co. raced out to see no Clayton. But...  
  
"Fartless!" Sora yelled.  
  
The three beat off the monkey Fartless and saved the gorilla. They found four more, then went back to the tent.  
  
"I do hope Mr. Clayton is safe.." Jane sighed. It must be that time of the month, 'cause she scares me...  
  
Sora and Co. go back outside and hear another gunshot. They go to where they heard it.  
  
"PSYCHO KITTY!" Sora screamed, then beat the living shiznit out of Sabor. And I mean that literally.  
  
A whole bunch of animal rights activist Fartless popped up.  
  
"Quickly!"   
  
They ran past the "DON'T HURT ANIMALS" signs and back to the camp.  
  
Terk grabbed Jane and ran... but they didn't see that.  
  
They went in, and surprise surprise, no one's there. THEN they went to weird random viney place two, and killed a giant black fruit.  
  
Vegetarian Fartless sprouted up and got the shiznit kicked outta them.  
  
//Gee, they're just pissing everyone off today, aren't they?//  
  
They talked to Jane. "Clayton came to the tent... that's the last I remember. We must help the gorillas."  
  
So they go to the cliff.  
  
Clayton, the gorillas, and more monkey Fartless are there. Just before he could shoot a gorilla, however...  
  
"No!" Sora yelled.  
  
Clayton turned and looked at them weirdly.  
  
The boy meeped. "Clayton?"  
  
"Not Clayton! *&&X%! Not Clayton!"   
  
They fought Clayton and the Fartless. They all looked to see the wall blow up, then back to Clayton, who was now 'floating'.  
  
It turned out to be Stealth Sneak. After beating them both, a female gorilla pulled Clayton into a giant moving bush. Hey, it IS the mating grounds.  
  
Kerchak threw Sora and Co. up to weird waterfally place. Ouch.  
  
"Tarzan. Home." Yeah, we figured as much.  
  
So they went through the really annoying jumpy cave, and got to small room with FFX butterflies.  
  
//... Listen.//  
  
Jane then appeared. "The sound of the waterfalls echoes all the way here!"  
  
//That's NOT what I meant. Listen to ME, damnit!// You really gotta pity Words sometimes.  
  
The FFX butterflies flew around, and Sora locked the Rathole.   
  
"*&&X%."  
  
"Oh, I get it now!" Jane said, "*&&X% means heart. Friends in our hearts!"  
  
Tarzan mused over the word. "Heart... no heart, no friends. Clayton lose heart."  
  
Sora, too, mused over it. "So all this was just a pointless goose chase..."  
  
"Yeah?" Everyone turned to him.  
  
"FUCK!"  
  
A/N: Yes, heavy swearing at the end. Though you can't blame him, can you? And this was twice as long as the original Deep Jungle chapter... 


	9. Nine: Reunion

A/N: I FOUND IT!  
  
Disclaimer: Mesa no ownsa.  
  
In Hollow Bastion (even though we're NOT supposed to know that yet)...  
  
"Ok, so he did find another one soon..." The witch shrugged.  
  
An evil looking guy turned to the others. "Who said he'd get it on Wednesday?"  
  
"Me! Me!" A bag thing said.  
  
They paid him, and moved on. "At least the boy is unaware of our other plan." The evil looking guy said.  
  
The evil lady scowled at him. "That's MY line!"  
  
"Sorry! I thought you weren't going to say it!"  
  
She shook her head, infuriated. "Anyway, the princesses are falling into our hands one by one..."  
  
Meanwhile, in Traverse Town...  
  
Sora held up two Navi-gummi pieces. "So, maybe Leon'll know what these are?"  
  
"Why don't we just eat them?" The duck said.  
  
"Gawrsh, I wonder where Leon is?"  
  
Our hero looked around. "He was here when we left!"  
  
Donald sighed. "He must have gone somewhere else... Hey, it's Yuffie! Wait, I don't even know who she is!"  
  
Sora and Co. went over to Yuffie.  
  
"Hi, Sora! How's the Deadratblade business going?" She asked.  
  
"Fine. Do you know where Leon is?"  
  
Yuffie thought for a moment. "He's probably in the Underground Cavern."  
  
"Where's that?"  
  
"You're meant to know!"  
  
Sora jumped back a foot. "I am?!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"NOOOO!"  
  
"YES, DAMNIT!" Sora finally screamed.  
  
She laughed. "See?"  
  
He growled. "Stupid naked woman..." And off he went.  
  
Sora found the Underground Cavern.  
  
"Leon?"  
  
Leon looked up. "Oh, hi."  
  
"Hi! I'm Aerith!" A lady wearing too much pink said, holding out a hand.  
  
"Hi Aerith!" Sora chirped, then turned. "Leon, do you know what these are?"  
  
Leon looked at the gummi blocks. "How the hell should I know? Ask Cid."  
  
So they went to talk to Cid.  
  
"What the *^$&%$& do you (&%*^$& want?"  
  
"I want to &%(&% know if you can (%*$&^$ help us with our )^*$%*^$ gummi ship!"  
  
Cid smiled. "Kid, I like you."  
  
//Great. He's liked by barrel man.//  
  
"I mean, yeah, I'll help you. Don't you know what Navigation gummis are?"  
  
They shook their heads.  
  
"Well, they take you to other worlds. I'd install it for you, but I need to do something."  
  
There was silence for a few seconds.  
  
"Kid... this is where you offer to help."  
  
"Oh! We can help!"  
  
Cid gave him a weird book. "Take this to the old dude in the 3rd district. He lives beyond the door with the funky cult fire symbol."  
  
"Ok then, see ya!"  
  
They went off, cast fire on the door, and jumped across annoying moving stones. They ended up in a tiny musty room.  
  
//The musty smell of this place... Reminds me of the secret place back home...//  
  
Sora reached out. "Words?"  
  
//No shit, sherlock.//  
  
Some old dude walked in.  
  
They all screamed.  
  
"I was expecting you!" The old dude said.  
  
"IT'S A FARTLESS!" And he attacked.  
  
"OW! OW! STOP IT YOU LITTLE BRAT, I'M NOT A FART-"  
  
Sora stopped attacking.  
  
"Sora, you killed him!" Donald screeched.  
  
The boy prodded the old dude with the Deadratblade.  
  
The old dude got up. "I'm Merlin, I can teach you magic and stuff like that."  
  
"That's nice, here's your book, bye!"   
  
And they ran out.  
  
A bunch of Fartless appeared.  
  
But just before Sora could attack...  
  
The Fartless are destroyed.  
  
Sora stood there, amazed. Then he noticed who the person was. "RIKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" He glomped his friend, "RIKURIKURIKURIKURIKURIKURIKURIKU!!!"  
  
Riku was... leapt on. "Hi Sora!"  
  
Sora tugged at Riku's mouth. "Riku, is it really you?"  
  
"No, I'm the easter bunny!"  
  
"... Oh..."  
  
"Of course it's me!"  
  
"RIKU!" And Sora hugged him.  
  
"Yeah, yeah... can you get off me now? It's kinda hard to breathe."  
  
"Oh, sure!" He got off Riku.  
  
"Isn't it great? We're together again!" Riku grinned, rubbing his spleen.  
  
"Is Kairi with you?"  
  
The older boy shook his head. "I thought she was with you! But, now that we're together again, we can go find her, together! Just leave everything to-"  
  
Sora suddenly attacked and killed a Fartless.  
  
"Leave it to WHO?"  
  
"Holy SHIT! What the **** is that?!"  
  
Goofy grinned, putting his hands on Sora's shoulders. "It's the Deadratblade! Sora's the chosen one!"  
  
"I wasn't asking you, dipshit."  
  
"Oh... okay..." And Goofy retreated to a corner to sob and gnaw on his special gummi block.  
  
Riku took the Deadratblade. "Are you telling me you put your hands in my mouth after touching this thing!? Gross, dude!"  
  
"Sorry... Give it back!"  
  
"Catch." Riku threw it to him.  
  
Being Sora, he didn't catch it. He was knocked out.  
  
Donald looked down. "Sora?"  
  
Sora got up. "My head... Hey, where's Riku?"  
  
Donald shrugged. "We better go see Cid, Sora."  
  
Sora sighed. "Oh well. At least he's okay."  
  
Of course, while he said that it's seen from someone's point of view, only implying that Riku was being childish and had hidden, still watching them.  
  
They went to the Small House.  
  
"So you delivered it?" Cid asked.  
  
"Yeah, now go work on our )^^$^ ship!"  
  
"Fine, fine! Spoilt brat..."  
  
"Wanna hear a great joke someone told me?" Leon asked.  
  
"Why not?" Sora shrugged.  
  
"A guy walks into a bar-"  
  
"He says ow!" Yuffie giggled.  
  
"Yuffie! You ALWAYS spoil it!"  
  
Cid looked at Sora. "Kid, have you heard of Maleficent?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"She's a witch, man!"  
  
"COOL!"  
  
Leon shook his head. "She's an EVIL witch! She's the reason Fartless are here!"  
  
"Oh... Not cool."  
  
So they laughed, and... stuff.  
  
Outside, however...  
  
"See? He doesn't need you. He has replaced you." Maleficent explained to Riku while they watched Sora and Co... I think there's a word for that. I think it's stalker.  
  
Riku laughed. "Sora? Replace me? No way?! He doesn't have enough brain cells!"  
  
The witch crossed her eyes. "Look, Riku, he had new friends now. He hasn't even tried to find you. Come with me."  
  
"I dunno..."  
  
"COME WITH ME, NOW!" She dragged him off into a portal.  
A/N: Yay! Just six more chapters to convert! 


	10. Ten: Agrabah

A/N: You all still like this! I feel so loved... even if you don't review (nudge nudge, poke poke). I know you're there!  
  
________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Anyway, since Cid "threw in" a warp gummi, they travelled to some place called Agrabah.  
  
"So, why you need Jasmine?" Jafar asked.  
  
"You know why, I've told you 5 times already!"  
  
"But I like the story!"  
  
Maleficent sighed. "Fine then. The seven princesses of fart must all be together to open the final door."  
  
Iago flew down. "Jafar, I've looked everywhere for Jasmine!"  
  
Jafar stepped on Iago. "Stupid bird!  
  
"Jafar, I think I'll be going now... just remember, lose to the darkness and you don't get paid." And she left in a funky portal.  
  
Anyway, Sora and Co. arrived and kicked the **** out of some random Fartless. They ran around, and ended up in an alley.  
  
"Who's there?" A lady said.  
  
Sora giggled. "We're the Fartless, here to kidnap you!"  
  
"Argh! That's not funny! The Fartless speak l33t!"  
  
"Most of them speak l33t." Donald corrected, "Now, who the **** are you and what the **** are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm Jasmine, daughter of the Sultan."  
  
Goofy: Gawrsh, that makes you a princess!"  
  
"Or, you could call me a Sultana!"   
  
Donald whispered to Sora. "Her brain's certianly one..."  
  
"Jafar's taken over Agrabah, and he helped me."  
  
Sora stared at her. "Jafar helped you?"  
  
"No, he did!"  
  
"THAT'S WHAT I SAID!"  
  
Jasmine shook her head. "Aladdin helped me. He went out to the desert, though."  
  
"And I'm guessing we have to go find him for you."  
  
They go off and found Aladdin in a pit of sand.  
  
Sora shrugged. "Whoops, we were too late!" He turned to leave.  
  
"Genie, get rid of these guys!"  
  
Sora scowled. "We're GOING!"  
  
Genie appeared and made all the Fartless disappear.  
  
Sora's eyes went starry. "COOL!"  
  
"I'm Genie, this is Aladdin, and you are...?"  
  
"I'm Sora."  
  
Aladdin got up. "Hi Sora."  
  
So they talked.  
  
Aladdin was telling then about his wishes. "And then I'll wish to be a prince..."  
  
Sora & Co were VERY bored.  
  
//Al, SHUT UP.//  
  
Sora leapt at Words and almost fell off the carpet. No wait, he did. Ouch.  
  
Genie ignored Words. "Oooh! Money! Royalty! Fame! Why didn't I think of that? Okay, you asked for it! A hundred servants and a hundred camels loaded with gold! Just say the word and I'll deliver it in 30 minutes or less, or your meal's free. Hey, I'll even throw in a cappuccino!" Don't you just love service with a smile?  
  
Goofy scratched his head. "Uh, why a prince?"  
  
Aladdin blushed. "You see, there's this girl in Agrabah named Jasmine. But she's a princess, and I'm... Aw, she could never fall for a guy like me."  
  
"Oh. Princess? I thought she was a Sultana." Donald shrugged.  
  
Goofy gnawed on the carpet. "Jasmine?"  
  
"Oh, that's right! She's in trouble, Aladdin!"  
  
Aladdin's eyes bugged out as he grabbed Sora by the collar. "You wait until NOW to tell me?!"  
  
They continued to fly back, Sora keeping as far away from Aladdin as possible.  
  
"Ah, fresh air! The great outdoors!"  
  
Sora smiled. "I guess you don't get out much, huh?"  
  
Genie nodded. "Comes with the job. Phenomenal cosmic powers. Itty-bitty living space. It's always three wishes, then back to my portable prison. I'm lucky to see the light of day every century or two..."  
  
"Say, Genie, what if I use my last wish to free you from the lamp? What do you think?" Aladdin grinned.  
  
"You'd do that?"  
  
"Genie, it's a promise. After we help Jasmine." Aladdin glared at Sora again.   
  
After kicking some serious Fartless ass, they went to Aladdin's house.  
  
Aladdin sat down. "So, Jafar is after Jasmine and this "Rathole"."  
  
"Rathole, eh? I could swear I've heard about that somewhere before..."   
  
Donald jumped around, exited. "Really? Where?"  
  
Genie thought for a moment. "Now, where was it? It's only been 200 years..."  
  
"ARGH! You damned idiot!"  
  
Sora quickly pulled the duck away. "Well, anyway, we've got to stop Jafar before it's too late."  
  
Anyway, they went to the Big Door Place.  
  
Now, time for the most annoying and most brittish line in this whole tale.  
  
"Settings your sights a little high, aren't you, boy?"  
  
Our heroes took a few moments to cringe, then turned back to Jafar.  
  
"Back to your hole, street rat. I will not allow you to trouble the princess any more."  
  
A whole bunch of rats ran past, very offended at his statement. Poor things.  
  
"Jasmine!"  
  
She looked at him sadly. "I'm so sorry, Aladdin."  
  
"YOU TWO TIMING BIT-"  
  
Sora quickly pushed Aladdin aside in before things got nasty. Well, they already were nasty, but that doesn't matter, does it?   
  
Angrily, Aladdin rubbed the lamp behind his back. "Genie... help her. So I can kick the-" He stopped when getting a glare from Sora.  
  
Genie appeared and picked Jasmine up. "One wish left! Damn, this is easy!"  
  
Jafar laughed. "So sorry boy! Your second wish has been denied!"  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
The vizier cleared his throat. "SO SORRY BOY! YOUR SECOND WISH HAS BEEN DENIED!"  
  
A hay bail rolled past.  
  
"IAGO! GET YOUR FEATHERED ASS HERE, NOW!"  
  
The bird quickly flew down and grabbed the lamp. "I'm sorry, Jafar!"  
  
"Shut up, imbecile."  
  
Jasmine fell into a giant tiny pot with a scream. Anyway, they fought another Fartless, one that strongly resembled the Backstreet Boys.  
  
Anyway, they travelled to Strange Sandy Place.  
  
"Sora, behind you..." Donald meeped.  
  
"Hah! I won't fall for that!"  
  
"Growl." Thing Behind Sora said.  
  
Sora turned around. "AHHHH! GIANT MOVING STONE TIGER HEAD!"  
  
After beating the tiger head, they went inside, beat some Fartless... and stuff, and ran into the big room...  
  
"Good, you have the princess." Maleficent cooed while they stood in front of the Rathole.  
  
"Yes. But that boy is becoming a problem. Tell Riku, or whatever the hell his name is."  
  
"Maybe I will. Because all seven princesses are needed to open the final door..."  
  
Sora ran in. "HEY! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE OPENING THE FINAL DOOR!!! WORDS, TELL THEM!"  
  
//Ah... //  
  
"Well?!"  
  
//Different door.//  
  
The brown haired boy was fuming. "HOW MANY FUCKING DOORS ARE THERE?!"  
  
//... Good question. I'd like to know myself.//  
  
In the confusion, Maleficent left.  
  
"Genie, my first wish - ELIMINATE THEM!"  
  
"But Genie's can't kill!" The blue thing argued.  
  
Jafar put his hands on his hips. "Fine, just very badly injure them."  
  
Genie set out to very badly injure the trio, while Jafar flew around, acting like a drunk idiot. Thankfully, they beat Jafar before he got arrested for drunk flying.  
  
"MY THIRD WISH, MAKE ME AN ALL POWERFUL GENIE!"  
  
Genie sighed and did as he was commanded.  
  
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Jafar flew down to Weirdo Lava Place.  
  
Sora and Co. followed him.  
  
//Disney and a guy who looks like Satan? I'm not surprised.//  
  
Down in weirdo lava place...  
  
Jafar reached down, picked up a huge rock, and threw it at them. "This is good for my muscles!"  
  
"Ooooooo!"  
  
Donald sighed, twapping the exited boy over the head. "Get the ****ing lamp, Sora!"  
  
Our hero growled. "Fine, fine..." He grabbed the lamp off Iago. "BACK INTO YOUR LAMP, PIMP!"  
  
"I'm not a piiiiiiiii-" Into the lamp Jafar went.  
  
"Booya!"  
  
Back up above them...  
  
Jasmine looked around. "Oh, crap!"  
  
Sora and Co. SOMEHOW made it back up, only to find that Jasmine was gone.  
  
Anyway, Sora locked the Rathole.  
  
Donald cursed. "****! The cave's gonna collapse!"  
  
So they left on Aladdin's carpet.  
  
At Aladdin's house...  
  
"Let's go find Jasmine!"  
  
Sora shook his head. "You can't come."  
  
"Oh. Crap."  
  
Genie poked Aladdin. "You can always wish for her back... just say the word..."  
  
Aladdin nodded. "I wish..."  
  
Genie prepared.  
  
"For your freedom, Genie!"  
  
"ARE YOU GODDAMNED CRAZY!?" The blue spirit's eyes bugged out.  
  
"She's a two timin' ho!"  
  
Sora laughed nervously. "Aladdin... Genie can come with us."  
  
"So he can come, not me?"  
  
"Pretty much."  
  
The disgruntled street rat flipped the bird at our heroes.  
  
Anyway, in Hollow Bastion...  
  
"He could have won, if *someone* had've stayed to help him." An evil guy said.  
  
Riku scowled. "Hey, I got the princess, didn't I?"  
  
Maleficent nodded. "Jafar was beyond help. He had sunk too far into the darkness."  
  
Some Other Evil Guy spoke up. "This, coming from the ruler of the Fartless?"  
  
Maleficent ignored him. "Riku, you fufilled your part of the deal. I'll do mine." A picture of sleeping Kairi was shown on the pedestal thingy.  
  
Riku got a crazy look. "Kairi!"  
  
Captain Hook walked in. "But remember this is no pleasure cruise. It won't be a pleasant voyage!"  
  
The silver haired beauty sighed. "I guessed that from the first "pleasure"... Why are you doing all this for me?"  
  
The witch smiled. "Riku, you're like a son to me! I only want you to be happy."  
  
They all took a moment to cringe at the smile.  
  
Riku raised an eyebrow. "I highly doubt that."  
  
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A/N: x_x 


	11. Eleven: Icky whale innards

A/N: Only a few more chapters...  
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Meanwhile, Sora and Co. went spiralling into the mouth of a mega monster yucky thing.  
  
- Sora's random dream thing -  
  
"I'm ****ing telling you! There's a Fartless in there!" Kiddie Sora insisted.  
  
Kiddie Riku sighed. "We don't know what Fartless are, idiot."  
  
Our younger hero scratched his head. "Oh... Well, it was a monster!"  
  
So the adorable kiddies went off to the secret place.  
  
Kiddie Riku laughed. "It's only the wind!"  
  
"Damn!"  
  
"Hey, Sora? When we're older, let's get off this island!"  
  
Kiddie Sora shrugged. "Yeah, sure. But what's there do do now?"  
  
"There's a new girl at the mayor's house..."  
  
Suddenly, Sora was awoken by an item falling on his head.  
  
"Umph..."  
  
Donald turned to him. "Sora, do you have any ****ing idea how long you've been asleep? Are you okay?"  
  
Goofy was holding up his shield. "Today's weather is to expect showers!" - another item landed - "Heavy showers!"  
  
They all looked up to see Pinocchio.  
  
Sora swore. "DAMMIT! YOU WOKE ME UP, YOU ****ING PIECE OF WOOD!"  
  
Pinocchio ran off with a gummi block.  
  
"Damn him..." The brunette sighed, looking around. "Ewwwwww... Whale innards..." A random bit of slime fell on him.  
  
After swimming around in whale spit, they arrived at a boat.  
  
Pinocchio was in there. "Father, I found this! It can get us out of here!"  
  
Gepetto leaned down to look. "Oh, really?"  
  
Sora climbed up. "No, not really. *One* gummi block ain't taking you nowhere. You need about 30 more, you goddamned evil wooden puppet!"  
  
The old man gasped in shock. "He's not a puppet, he's a real boy!"  
  
"You need glasses, man!"  
  
"I have glasses!"  
  
Sora shook his head. "No! Those are weird funky german things! I mean, glasses that you can *see* with!"  
  
Gepetto tried to make him understand. "But Pinocchio *is* a real boy!"  
  
"HE'S MADE OUT OF GODDAMN WOOD!"  
  
"You can ask him your- AHHHH!"  
  
Pinocchio had disappeared, making the annoying old man scream. Yay.  
  
Sora saw the wooden hellbringer run off. "Damn. We have to follow him, don't we?"  
  
Donald nodded. "Yep."  
  
And so, Sora jumped down, swam through some more whale spit and ran after him.  
  
In Chamber One...  
  
"Pinocchio! This is no time for games!"  
  
"I thought you *liked* games, Sora." A voice said.  
  
"RIKUUUUU!" The brunette glomped his "friend".  
  
//You're not meant to do that, Sora.//  
  
"Ah, shaddup." Words is very wise. He/she/it should not be questioned.  
  
Riku, however, was not too happy. "Can't... breathe... damnit..."  
  
"Rikuuuuu..." The brunette purred.  
  
He pushed Sora off. "Look, you have to follow me through all these whacked out passageways to save Pinocchio."  
  
Sora's eyes widened. "But I hate him!"  
  
"Me too, but it's called a time-filler."  
  
So, they ran into the next room, then into another, then into the first room, then into the fifth, then into the sixth, then into the third, and finally into the fourth.  
  
Sora panted, and looked over what they went through. "Yeah, it looks easy when you put it like THAT!"  
  
Riku waved. "Hi, Sora! Now we have to work together to save Pinocchio, while I fight, but not really do any decent damage, yet run around!"  
  
"Uh... why?"  
  
The silver haired beauty sighed. "What did I say about time-fillers?"  
  
They fought big thing that had Pinocchio. Riku then ran off with the puppet.  
  
Sora moaned. "Now we have to walk all the way back..."  
  
//Yep.// Words is cruelly truthful.  
  
They walked all the way back.  
  
Gepetto was pleading with Riku. "Please, give me back my son!"  
  
Riku raised an eyebrow. "Son? What'd you do, have a one night stand with your bed? Dude, it's a PUPPET."  
  
"He's not a puppet, he's a real boy!"  
  
The evil boy screamed. "ARGH! YOU JUST DON'T LISTEN! I NEED HIS DAMNED FART, OKAY?!"  
  
Sora appeared. "Are you talking about Kairi?"  
  
"Eh? When'd you get here? Ah, I mean... aw, crap." He ran off with Pinocchio.  
  
Gepetto turned to the three. "Please, get back my son!"  
  
Sora sighed. "You're as thick as the rims of your german glasses."  
  
For more time-filler-ness, they went off to see Riku, who was standing near a KO'ed Pinocchio.  
  
"Well, well! Sora, we meet in the very bowels of this adventure!"  
  
"Eeeewwww..." The brown haired boy dodged an unidentified thing.  
  
"I meant that literally." Riku laughed. "But come on, Sora! Join me!"  
  
"No! Because my conscience is telling me-"  
  
He was cut off by Jiminy running across to Pinocchio. "Pinocchio! Pinoc-"  
  
"SHUT THE **** UP, YOU ANNOYING CRICKET!" Sora screamed.  
  
Jiminy shut up.  
  
"Anyway, as I was saying, it's telling me you're on the wrong side." He calmly finished.  
  
Riku glared at him. "You'd rather save that block of wood than help me?!"  
  
"I had a choice?!"  
  
The evil bishounen sighed, shook his head, and left them to fight another giant thing.  
  
When they were done, Monstro's gut made an icky sound.  
  
Donald looked up. "Call me crazy, but I think he's gonna..."  
  
Monstro hurled.  
  
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A/N: Did you get the thing about Sora telling Jiminy to shut up? Y'know, since Jiminy's a conscience... and he was saying what his conscience had told him... oh, nevermind. 


	12. Twelve: Getting jiggy with it

A/N: I UPDATED! I ACTUALLY UPDATED! And I don't own anything. Nope.  
  
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They landed in Halloween Town...  
  
Sora twirled. "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy yeah it hurts!" He hummed the rest of the song.  
  
"Gawrsh, we sure look scary!' Goofy stupidly said.   
  
Sora snorted. "Dude, you don't even know what scary IS!"  
  
"And you, I presume, do?" Donald asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah, I do!"  
  
They argued for a bit more.  
  
//You're meant to walk around and do stuff now.//   
  
Sora looked up, completely oblivious to the fact that neither Goofy nor Donald had heard Words. "Oh, okay." He walked around. "I'm too sexy-" He walked into a pole. "Ow-ow-ow..."  
  
Goofy started laughing.  
  
Sora, wanting to save face, looked for something to change the subject. "Uh... FARTLESS!" He did a move that can only be known as the 'extra-cool-action-pose', and leapt into attack. "BANZAIIII!"  
  
"Sora?"  
  
"Yessss, Donald?"  
  
"They're not moving."  
  
Sora looked up to the unmoving Fartless. "Oh." He quickly changed the subject again. "Hey, whassat?"  
  
They looked.  
  
"And... presenting JACK SKELLINGTON!" A man with a spinning head said.  
  
The Fartless did a wee irish jig and a skeleton we can presume to be Jack popped out of a well.  
  
Jack sighed, shaking his head. "They're not doing the monster mash! I want them doing the monster mash by halloween!"  
  
"Yessir!" The man said, though muttering under his breath "It'd be easier if you just played the damn music..."  
  
"What was that, mayor?"  
  
"Oh, nothing Jack!"  
  
Jack sighed again. "I'm consulting the doctor" And he went off to consult.  
  
Sora and Co. followed.  
  
The doctor turned around in his nifty wee wheelchair. "Ah, Jack! What brings you here?"  
  
"The Fartless aren't dancing the way I imagined!" Jack moaned in despair.  
  
The doctor raised an eyebrow. "Jack, you imagined naked puppies running around last year."  
  
Jack sighed yet again. "But that's not the point?"  
  
"Fine. What do you want done?" The doctor asked.  
  
"I want them to dance, damnit!"  
  
"Uh..." He checked his big-ass book.  
  
"Aha! They need a fart!" Jack exclaimed.  
  
The doctor sighed. "Then that'll just take the fun out of everything, won't it?!"  
  
"Doctor..."  
  
"Humph!" The doctor got out his fart maker 3000. "Now, we just need a damn smell to open this!"  
  
Outside the door, where Sora and Co. hid...  
  
Donald crossed his unducky arms. "You're going to open it for them?"  
  
"We might not have to fight the Fartless in this world! And besides, don't you wanna see them dance?"  
  
"I'd say yes if dancing from the sixties didn't scare me shitless... you've been eating that stuff Goofy gave you, haven't you?"  
  
Sora nodded. "Yeah, why?"  
  
Donald pointed to Goofy's feet, where there was a chunk missing.  
  
The boy promptly ran off to throw up.  
  
Goofy sat, eating Sora's somehow discarded shoe. "Yummy..."  
  
"HEY! My shoe!"  
  
"Polly wanna cracker?" Goofy asked innocently.  
  
Sora hit him over the head with the Deadratblade. "You retarded spoon!"  
  
"Hyuck, hyuck, no! I'm a spork!" He grinned pervertedly.  
  
Anyway, inside the room...  
  
Sora waved the Deadratblade in front of the fart maker 3000 and it opened.  
  
Jack gave a fangirly gasp. "WOW! Coooooool..."  
  
"Booya!"  
  
"Uh... who are you?" Jack asked.  
  
"Sora."  
  
"I want YOU to be in my halloween show, Sora!"  
  
Sora raised an eyebrow. "But it's July!  
  
Jack checked a calendar. "So it is!"  
  
"Anyway, what do you need us to do?"  
  
The doctor passed him a list. "I need you to go find this stuff."  
  
Sora stared at the flowery pink shopping list. "O-kay!" He ran off, and shortly returned with the stuff.  
  
"Uh..."  
  
Sora laughed. "The reason I had to go get that stuff wasn't because of the fart, it was because you wanted me to see the place!"  
  
"What the hell? It IS for the fart!"  
  
"I apologise for him. He's been playing FFVIII." Donald said, shaking his head.  
  
They all nodded meaningfully.   
  
Anyway, the doctor put the stuff together. "Lovely. Now just a splash of cinnamon..."  
  
And Lock jumped out.  
  
"AHHH! SWEET MERCIFUL-" And he dropped the fart container.  
  
Barrel leapt out from under the bed (how long had be been down there?!) and grabbed it.  
  
The trio of kids ran off.  
  
"THIEVES!" The doctor yelled.  
  
"We prefer the term TREASURE HUNTERS!" Lock yelled back.  
  
The doctor sighed. "Damn. Sorry Jack..."  
  
But Jack wasn't about to give up so easily. "They won't sabotage my Halloween! After them!"  
  
Sora and Co. (including Jack, of course) ran after them.  
  
"ZERO! AFTER THEM!" Jack yelled, and Zero flew out of the ground and followed.  
  
Suddenly, Sora stopped, and looked down.  
  
Jack turned. "Huh?"  
  
Sora looked up. "I see dead people." He said softly.  
  
Donald sighed angrily and bashed him over the head with a nearby fencepost. "Damnit, Sora, we all do! We're in Halloween Town!"  
  
Sora looked around. "Oh. Nevermind then."  
  
They followed the kids over the drugged up hill and to Oogie's manor.  
  
"I knew Oogie was behind this!" Jack growled.  
  
"Dude, that so doesn't sound right..."  
  
They ran/walked/did the funky chicken up lots of stairs, and fought the kids in the Evil Playroom.  
  
"MUNCHOS MADE US DO IT!" They yelled in unison.  
  
"Don't you mean Oogie?" Sora asked,  
  
Shock laughed. "Oh, Barrel said Munchos."  
  
Lock nodded.  
  
"DAMN YOU TWO! YOU NEVER RESPECT ME!" Barrel yelled, throwing a chair at the two.  
  
"Uh-huh..." Sora said, batting the chair away.  
  
"You'll never find the green door!" Shock giggled.  
  
"Actually, we took a wrong turn earlier and found it before we came here."  
  
Lock and Shock exchanged a look. "Bugger."  
  
Sora and Co. left, and went through the green door.  
  
Oogie Boogie stood there, in all his baggy glory. "Now I have the fart, I can control the Fartless!" Two Fartless appeared. "GODDAMNIT, ONLY TWO?!"  
  
"...Wakka?" Sora asked, familiar to the Jamaican accent.  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"Nevermind..."  
  
"Now, let's play a really annoying game for our fight." Oogie said, starting a roulette wheel.  
  
"A time-filler?"  
  
Oogie nodded.  
  
Anyway, they fought, and they kicked Oogie's beanbag ass!  
  
"That's the power of the Deadratblade!" Sora said cheerily, imitating Squall/Leon's action pose.  
  
Donald groaned. "Sora, we're not in the Coliseum."   
  
They left, only to turn around and see Oogie become one with his manor.  
  
Goofy stared, wide eyed. "Gawrsh, isn't that some kind of Karma Sutra thing?"  
  
"I really, really hope you mean Buddhist." Donald said, staring to an equal extent.  
  
Goofy just shrugged and went back to eating his feet.  
  
Sora looked at the giant-Oogie. "So, since he's getting power from those purple blobs, we have to destroy them?"  
  
//Damn straight.//   
  
He grinned. "Alrighty then, LET'S GET JIGGY WITH IT!" And off he leapt.  
  
"BOOYAH!" The others yelled, jumping into the fray.  
  
So, they "got jiggy with it" and defeated Oogie - again. The rathole, unsurprisingly, appeared.  
  
"Well, that's convenient!" And he locked it.  
  
They went back to the lab.  
  
The doctor shrugged. "So the fart didn't work? Oh well."  
  
"Don't worry, Doctor! We can make a new one! I AM going to have my Fartless Halloween!"  
  
Sally sighed and shook her head. "I give up."  
  
"Here, Sora." Jack gave him the Pumpkin King rattail.  
  
"... You waited all this time?!" Sora shrieked, attacking him, and yelling various obscenities.  
  
And so, after beating Jack unconscious, Sora and Co. left Halloween Town, for whatever other worlds lay out there, waiting to be locked...  
  
________________________________________________________________________________  
  
A/N: YAY! YAY! YAY! Oh, by the way... when I first wrote this, Sora said "But it's January!" to Jack. Now it's July. I think that's quite a while, don't you?


	13. Thirteen: Meet Trite, the Australian kin...

Apology:** I AM SO, SO SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG. **And I don't want to insult any Australians. And... the ending is sudden. Other than that, it's great.  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.  
  
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Outside of Atlantica, they were... talking.  
"Fucking hell!" Sora exclaimed, "We can't go down there!"  
"Yes we can!" Donald argued.  
"YOU WANT TO KILL US, DON'T YOU! BECAUSE YOU'RE A DUCK, AND DUCKS CAN LIVE UNDERWATER!" Kids, it's not true, so please don't try that with the ducks in the local pond.  
"... No, you retard. I can turn us into sea creatures." Donald said, hitting the boy in the shin with his rod.  
Sora laughed nervously, rubbing his knee. "Oh... okay then."  
  
They landed, each becoming an... interesting new animal. Sora became a boy-dolphin, Donald became a duck-squid, and Goofy, who had never actually been an animal in the first place, became a retard-turtle.  
Of course, as these are our mighty heroes, who always find new friends, saw a mermaid, a fish, and a crab swimming towards them.  
"Hi! I'm a dolphin!" Sora said, grinning cheesily (© SquareEnix or Disney)  
The crab immediately freaked out. "HE'S GONNA EAT ME!"  
"Shut up, Sebastian!" The mermaid said, giving them an apologetic look. "I'm Ariel, this is Flounder, and the annoying little Jamaican shit is Sebastian."  
Flounder nodded (in other words, bobbed up and down). "He's paranoid."  
"I'm not paranoid! Everyone really IS out to get me!"  
  
They swam away, Sora and Ariel talking.   
"So... why's he so crazy?" Sora asked.  
"Oh, since the Fartless came, he's been a nutcase." She explained, "New people also scare the crap out of him. Where are you from, anyway?"  
Sora stopped, and stared at her. "Are you... are you trying to hit on me?"  
"No, it's in the script."  
"Ohhh. Okay then."  
  
They got to Ariel's home without too much worry (there had been a Fartless attack, but who really cares?). Sebastian swum up in front of the throne. "You swim before Ki-"  
"Shut the hell up, yeh little git."  
Sebastian nodded, tears in his little beady eyes, and moved away.  
"Who are yeh?" The king-merguy asked.  
"I'm, um..." Sora looked around. He saw a picture of a bird, flying high in the sky. "Soar..." He tried looking for more, but couldn't see anything. "Ah..."  
"Sora? Great. Nice to meet you, mate."  
Donald promptly bashed his head against a pillar, and continued to do so until Ariel stopped him.  
"Those are Daddy's best paper mache pillars!"  
Sora looked from that scenario to the king. "Do I call you Daddy?"  
"Nah, mate, call me Trite. What'cha 'ere for, anyway? If it ain't too 'portant, yeh can 'ave a cold one before yeh go."  
  
//He's more Australian than a kangaroo...//  
  
"Words! Do something! Anything!"  
  
//... Yeah, I'd really love to... but no.//  
  
He made a rude symbol with his finger to Words, then turned back to 'Trite'. "We're here... for the Rathole."  
"The wha?"  
"The Rathole."  
"The Rathole?"  
"Yes, the Rathole!"  
"Ain't that yer ass?"  
"... I don't have an ass right now."  
"Sucks to be you, mate. Try and find one, eh?"  
"Uh... yeah. Let's go, guys!" He turned around, to see Donald almost succeeding at his suicide attempts and Goofy eating his innards. Nothing unusual.  
  
Outside, Sora pulled out the script (which had been made waterproof). "... Okay, can we just skip the next bit? I'm tired, and we don't get any sleep in this damn thing."  
  
... And the crystal trident was shattered.  
"Thanks!" Sora whispered.  
Trite turned to Ariel angrily. "That trident was keeping the beers cold! You can't just go takin' it!"  
"But Daddy-!"  
"No buts, girlie! Yeh gonna get me a new one! No tucker until yeh do!" Trite ordered.  
"But I don't have any money!" She wailed.  
"Well then, yeh shouldn't have spent it on that damn cellphone! Kids thes' days! Always talkin' on bloody cellphones!"  
Ariel's eyes were filled with tears. "But I LOVE my cellphone, Daddy!" She then swam out, crying.  
Trite turned to Sora. "And you! You're the Deadratblade 'older!"  
"Uh, yeah." Sora said, holding it out, "Didn't you see earlier?"  
"Nah, I'm almost as blind as a freckin' bat!" Trite laughed, the scary sound making everyone else except Sora flee. "Now, boy... I 'ave a prop-o-sition fer yeh. Y'see, there's this sheila who's makin' a real bitch of 'erself in these parts. I was gonna marry her, ages back, but then I met Ariel's mother.."  
"Why'd you marry her instead?" Sora asked.  
"Oh, her old man ran a brewery! Everything I wanted in a woman!" Trite laughed, "But anyway. Get this sheila to quiet down, and I'll let yeh use the Rathole. Deal?"  
Sora nodded. "Deal!"  
  
In Ursula's lair...  
  
"Package delivery!" Sora shouted, disguised as a delivery boy.  
Ursula floated out. "Isn't it a bit... wet for packages?"  
"8|47(|-|! |)47 4||\|'7 |\|0 |)31|\/3|2'/ 80|!" (Ursula! He has decieved you!)  
She glared at Sora. "Just go seal the damn Rathole, boy."  
"Uh... okay..."  
  
So he went and sealed the Rathole, and decided to get the hell out of there before Trite found out.  
  
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End file.
